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Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

I was walking alone down the street. There was a chill in the air with dried leaves continuously falling off the trees. One can feel the despondency in the air. Or was it my lonliness that was causing that?! I was surprised at the thought itself! No I am absolutely fine. Why should I be lonely?!

 I kept on walking. There was no soul in the vicinity. And then my thoughts wandered. Its been quite sometime, but even now I can remember everything, down to the smallest details. I relive that time often in my mind, bringing it back, and I realize when I do, I always feel a strange combination of joy and sadness. There are moments when I would like to go back and erase the sadness, but I have a feeling that if I did, I will loose the joy as well. So I let it go..take the memories as it comes.Sometimes it hurts you and sometimes it makes you happy. Most of the times it hurts!

The sky is gray and it might rain. As I move down the street, I zipped up my jacket with my hands inside the pocket. The temperature is cool and it will get worse in comig months.

With a sigh I feel it all coming back to me. I closed my eyes and can see the times we spent. It was like a flash of series in front of me – those holding hands together, snuggling up to each other, dreams we shared together, those beautiful eyes, undying passion, those casual banter, those fights and make-up, endless laugh. As if through someone else’s eyes, I see myself growing with her, growing in love.

I open my eyes and pause. I took a deep breath. I realized I was standing at the porch of a wooden house. And when I stare at the house, I know exactly where I am.

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Scene I

They look wearied. They look tired. They are an old couple in a lone country. Their entire day is spent sitting in the living room watching TV with usual breaks to make food in between. They are unusually silent. Why are they so despondent? What is bothering them? There is something which is unsaid..something which is locked deep in their heart.

I talked to them. That brought a smile on their face. Even a small conversation seems to cheer them up. Suddenly during the conversation, they became despondent once again. Initially I thought I spoke out something wrong. However, I dint have to wait too much to find out what made them so sad.

I asked them about their son. Then the emotions rushed out from their heart like a volcano erupts after being dormant for a long time. Their son does not have enough time to spend with them. Weekdays are devoted to his work and weekends for his friends.
He does not listen to them. He does not talk to them. He bought this big house for them. They feel what this house is without his love and respect. He stays with them, but he is like a stranger!

“Our only son is a stranger to us”

Scene II

He is young. He is talented. He is vibrant. He works hard and likes to party harder. But he is not happy. Even he is not happy. What on earth makes him sad?!

One day he talked about it over a couple of drinks. He was candid and shot straight from the heart. According to him he sacrificed a lot and continues doing the same.

I asked him to elaborate. After initial hesitation, he indicated the “sacrifices” he made for his parents. They are not happy with him even he tries to do things with the best of his ability. According to him, he sacrificed his freedom staying with his parents. He can’t come back home drunk and partying the entire night. Hence he needs to stay away in the weekend with his friends. He cant do things on his own because his parents don’t like that. He doesn’t want to get married and his parents are upset due to this. He avoids them during the weekdays coz all they have to talk is about his marriage after a hard day at work.

He is trying to do everything he can. He bought a big and independent house sacrificing his dream for a Porsche.  He stays with them coz he understand that this would make them happy. Every parent would like their son to do this. He is willing to do things to keep his parents happy. However at the same time he indicated he has a life of his own. He is not happy.

“My only parents do not understand me”

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I asked one friend of mine “What are your thoughts on the concept of unisex salon?”
She responded that she is little uncomfortable.

Another female friend of mine just loves this concept.

Well, I am too much amused and fascinated with the concept of unisex salon! Imagine an incredibly beautiful girl with all wet hair sitting next to me getting a manicure done. Oh! She was actually sitting next to me. On the right side was a foreigner female going crazy with her new hair style.

The moment I looked at her, she smiled. Pat came the question “How does my new hair style look?” I grinned and my answer would have made her day. 🙂 Then I heard a girl asking too many questions and of course asking for discounts using the same stale statement – “I am your regular customer”. She was driving everyone nuts!

I was waiting for the hair-dresser to attend me. While he was arranging the equipments, I looked around the salon. The interiors were tastefully done with goddess look like model posters pasted creatively all around. The expensive cosmetic stuffs neatly arranged..plush sofa-set..stylo hair dressers! I really enjoyed the luxury, the ambience there.

I just went into my imagination. I and my gurl will come together. Before getting my hair cut, I will ask her – Do you want my hair to be short, honey? Or should I keep it medium?

Or rather it will be other way around, as females throw unlimited questions and would only like to hear the answers they want to hear! Whatever it would be, what fascinated me is the idea of going together, seating next to each other. Something which was not possible few years back when such unisex salon was a distant dream.

My day-dreaming was broken by the hair-dresser asking me whether to cut it short or keep it medium. I smiled. I smiled retiring with a last thought- if my gurl would want to have an expensive and luxury spa…I would then drop the idea of going together!!! 🙂

What are your thoughts on unisex salon? Are you little bit uncomfortable? Or your thoughts are similar as mine?

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Saturday night. Nope. Saturday very very late night. Rather Sunday early morning. Its drizzling. Cool Breeze. And a serene night.

Best time to light a nicotine stick. The moment I lit it up, a thought came in my mind. When did I take my first puff?The day when I gave my IIFT entrance (which was such a disaster), I was sitting outside the exam centre with my friend. He lit up one and I asked for it. Just out of curiosity..u know!!

Oh! I thought..lets do this! Take one drag and let your mind loose and wander, and see what thoughts comes to your mind randomly. Cool. Right..huh!! So lets see.

 Second drag. The day I landed in Delhi for my graduation. What a feeling it was! This was the opportunity for me. Where I will go? What I will do? Which college I will get into? Thousand things were rummaging my mind.

Third drag. My first job as a call centre executive in one of the leading BPOs in Gurgaon. This job taught me so many things which I carry till date in my life. It showed me back, what I was and there was so much to be done to improve myself.

Third one. My hostel days. Why I bothered my parents so much to put me into boarding?! I still wonder!

 Fourth. Thinking about parents; Its been almost 13 years now I am staying away from my home due to my studies and work. 13 years.,and the years will keep adding. I am so lucky to have them, who have sacrificed so much to find me where I am today. I think, I would be visiting home soon.

 Fifth. Its been so long I had not heard her voice.

 Sixth drag. I should only think about good things. There are so many good things happened with me. I am a happy guy!

 Seventh & the last one. Why the hell it finished off so early!! Seems like its time to hit the bed. 🙂

 This is weird. But that’s me. The silent night sets this kind of weird things…you know!

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Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and its implication on myself in such a short span of time. Strange but real, sometimes I wonder how few incidents change the perspective of your entire life against the way you have been for so many years. When I look back and introspect as to how I was few months back and how I am today – it feeds me with the thought I have lost so many things and yet picked up so many things. Such strange is life. Strange. Yes, it is.

I found myself becoming more tolerant these days. Tolerant enough to sometime accept things which are outright unacceptable. Folks around me are certainly happy, as they see a new, better and matured Amrit. Definitely, this is one of the good attributes. But it triggers a different thought inside me, what I have become? I have always been a person who fought tooth and nail to get things right for me, there was always the tinge of aggressiveness in everything I used to do. I always found myself in trouble due to this attitude of mine. But am I not in trouble now?! May be I need to wait for some more time to figure this out. May be I need a balance between both!

Huh…conflict me…and a conflict mind!!

I have stopped myself from carrying the extra baggage of feeling guilty even for things I have not done wrong. How I succumbed to this!! It simply kills you, like you are the only one behind this. Now shedding that off, I feel so light, so extra happy and now I really don’t intend to do that ever again.

Last few months have been a growing experience for me..the way a moth try to free itself from its cocoon, struggling hard, fighting and jostling to free itself. But in the process, it never realizes that this struggle is eminent to make its wings stronger so that when it comes out of the cocoon, its wings are strong enough to fly. This struggling, heart-felt experience was very much required to make me a strong individual. I have picked up so many learnings in the process, and emerged stronger. Yes. I can say that! I can feel the difference. Who knows, this is just the beginning, but it gave me enough spark to face the forthcoming storms in life.

In the end, no matter what, I have lost a great deal in the process. But may be thats how it is supposed to be, thats what we called as the irony of life. The scar remains. But they only make me stronger.

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Its been quite sometime now. My patience is running off!! Why I am not getting the opportunity I am looking for?! Why is it not crossing my way! How long I have to patient?! Everyday this thought lingers in my mind. I see others sprinting away. And no matter how much I try, I am still behind.

**Excerpts (from the conversation going on between me and me)

” Hey Amrit!! Don’t loose heart..keep running!!”

Yeah…yeah!! What else,  I have no option anyway! I cant wait for some VJ to play a song, the clock to tick, the tide to turn, the sun to rise….and you say I am IMPATIENT!!

Now thats what you were losing. Where is your “never say die attitude”! You can do it man!

Yes..yes. I can do it. I have always done it. I can still do it.

Now thats the real Amrit! So what you gonna do??

I will…I will….errr…ummm….I will fight!

Havent you tried this before? Whats the outcome? You were pushed back even more!

Then what should I do..Yes. I will survive. I have recently developed this new skill. Should use it considerably.

But you have been doing this for quite sometime now. Till how long you want to survive and survive.

I cant fight..I cant even survive! Then what should I do??

Be patient Amrit. Your time will also come.

Yeah..keep on saying that. Thats how I learnt the survival skills. Now what I will learn from this?!

…………………………

(For complete conversation, log on to Amrit’s mind…but at your own risk!!)

**Courtesy: Amrit reckless mind !

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Its one of those sleepless nights again where sleep just refused to accept me, and in turn ignited my thinking cells. It is dark everywhere and I am staring at the ceiling. And then some weird story started forming in my mind. It started with good thoughts and somewhere in the middle went into negative (read – sad!).

 Now, once this sad part came I could not figure out anything happy in the story. There has to be a happy ending, even if the ending is not happy! I instructed my reckless brain. The laptop was on and I decided to write. I will figure out the happy ending while penning down the weird story originating from my mind, I said to myself.

 So here it goes. (I know how weirdo it is…but a thought is a thought!!!).

 

He woke up in silence. Was it a bad dream, he wondered! He was sweating profusely and whispered a silent prayer. His thoughts were not consolidated and conclusive. He rummaged his brain to bring out the clarity. And gradually he could figure out what was happening. It was definitely not a dream.

 He desperately started looking for something. He could see the half burnt car with black soot of smoke still emanating from it. And then it struck him. It was an accident. He was driving and she was sitting next to him. Where is she!! She must be here only. He remembered everything now. There was a brake-failure and by the time he figured out, it was too late. He looked at her and thought how much he loved her. “I have to save her”. But he dint know how!! And the next moment everything went black!

 There she was, lying next to the car. He ran to her. She was breathing and making a feeble attempt to get up. He tried helping her. But to his utter shock, he was not able to hold her. He tried holding her hand, but he couldn’t even touch her. He shouted but she is dint even look at him. He couldn’t understand whats wrong with her. Why is she not looking at him? She finally stood up and painfully walked to the other side of the car.

 She screamed and broke down into tears. He followed her, and saw himself lying in the pool of blood. He was confounded. Who is that person who looks exactly like him!

And then he realized. He was the one lying there. He now understood why he was not able to touch her, why she was not looking at him. He was no more!!

He walked to her and looked into her eyes. The pain of losing him was clearly visible. Tears rolled down from his eyes. He wanted to comfort her, hold her hand. But there is nothing he can do.

 He stared at her. She is so beautiful. And then he smiled. She is alive. And its not a dream.

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