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Posts Tagged ‘self talk’

I find myself in a situation I am not liking it. I realize this change in me which is annoying! I have always been a work-oriented guy and would be happy if I have been swamped with work. More the work the happier I am. However, in these last few months my attitude toward this is changing. I don’t feel like working anymore. I am now plagued with Monday blues which was apparently never been a part of my dictionary. Even when I am at work, I just find ways to either avoid it or do it unwillingly. It is unnerving me as I always feel guilty of not putting my hundred percent.

I remember the first conversation with my boss the day I joined this new office. He told me that there is loads of expectation from me and there have been several recommendations about my work. And after a month his words were – “Don’t wait for me to tell you what work you have to do. Cant you pull this up Amrit?!  This is not enough output for one day Amrit!” 😦

I never had to push myself when it comes to work. Now everything is changing. My attitude is changing. I speak with myself that I need to bounce back and get the same spark! Comeon Amrit…you always did it and it is the time to do it again. Yes! I will do it for sure. I just hope this is a phase.

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I was walking alone down the street. There was a chill in the air with dried leaves continuously falling off the trees. One can feel the despondency in the air. Or was it my lonliness that was causing that?! I was surprised at the thought itself! No I am absolutely fine. Why should I be lonely?!

 I kept on walking. There was no soul in the vicinity. And then my thoughts wandered. Its been quite sometime, but even now I can remember everything, down to the smallest details. I relive that time often in my mind, bringing it back, and I realize when I do, I always feel a strange combination of joy and sadness. There are moments when I would like to go back and erase the sadness, but I have a feeling that if I did, I will loose the joy as well. So I let it go..take the memories as it comes.Sometimes it hurts you and sometimes it makes you happy. Most of the times it hurts!

The sky is gray and it might rain. As I move down the street, I zipped up my jacket with my hands inside the pocket. The temperature is cool and it will get worse in comig months.

With a sigh I feel it all coming back to me. I closed my eyes and can see the times we spent. It was like a flash of series in front of me – those holding hands together, snuggling up to each other, dreams we shared together, those beautiful eyes, undying passion, those casual banter, those fights and make-up, endless laugh. As if through someone else’s eyes, I see myself growing with her, growing in love.

I open my eyes and pause. I took a deep breath. I realized I was standing at the porch of a wooden house. And when I stare at the house, I know exactly where I am.

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Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and its implication on myself in such a short span of time. Strange but real, sometimes I wonder how few incidents change the perspective of your entire life against the way you have been for so many years. When I look back and introspect as to how I was few months back and how I am today – it feeds me with the thought I have lost so many things and yet picked up so many things. Such strange is life. Strange. Yes, it is.

I found myself becoming more tolerant these days. Tolerant enough to sometime accept things which are outright unacceptable. Folks around me are certainly happy, as they see a new, better and matured Amrit. Definitely, this is one of the good attributes. But it triggers a different thought inside me, what I have become? I have always been a person who fought tooth and nail to get things right for me, there was always the tinge of aggressiveness in everything I used to do. I always found myself in trouble due to this attitude of mine. But am I not in trouble now?! May be I need to wait for some more time to figure this out. May be I need a balance between both!

Huh…conflict me…and a conflict mind!!

I have stopped myself from carrying the extra baggage of feeling guilty even for things I have not done wrong. How I succumbed to this!! It simply kills you, like you are the only one behind this. Now shedding that off, I feel so light, so extra happy and now I really don’t intend to do that ever again.

Last few months have been a growing experience for me..the way a moth try to free itself from its cocoon, struggling hard, fighting and jostling to free itself. But in the process, it never realizes that this struggle is eminent to make its wings stronger so that when it comes out of the cocoon, its wings are strong enough to fly. This struggling, heart-felt experience was very much required to make me a strong individual. I have picked up so many learnings in the process, and emerged stronger. Yes. I can say that! I can feel the difference. Who knows, this is just the beginning, but it gave me enough spark to face the forthcoming storms in life.

In the end, no matter what, I have lost a great deal in the process. But may be thats how it is supposed to be, thats what we called as the irony of life. The scar remains. But they only make me stronger.

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Call it my nature or my destiny, why do I always find myself caught at the wrong place?! Even if things come as an opportunity, the odds are always high against me. I completely understand and more than experienced to realize that the taste of success is much better when the odds are high. But not everytime..man!!!

Anyway, an opportunity is an opportunity. There is only one way out – take it, exploit it and do the best one can. And that what I will achieve to do.

Meanwhile, I realized how difficult it is to keep quite (read less talking)! I am down with sore throat and my voice box decided to shutdown. Result – Amrit is suffering. I am unable to speak much .and trust me its very very difficult to keep quite or speak less. Aaaarrgghhh!!!

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Its been quite sometime now. My patience is running off!! Why I am not getting the opportunity I am looking for?! Why is it not crossing my way! How long I have to patient?! Everyday this thought lingers in my mind. I see others sprinting away. And no matter how much I try, I am still behind.

**Excerpts (from the conversation going on between me and me)

” Hey Amrit!! Don’t loose heart..keep running!!”

Yeah…yeah!! What else,  I have no option anyway! I cant wait for some VJ to play a song, the clock to tick, the tide to turn, the sun to rise….and you say I am IMPATIENT!!

Now thats what you were losing. Where is your “never say die attitude”! You can do it man!

Yes..yes. I can do it. I have always done it. I can still do it.

Now thats the real Amrit! So what you gonna do??

I will…I will….errr…ummm….I will fight!

Havent you tried this before? Whats the outcome? You were pushed back even more!

Then what should I do..Yes. I will survive. I have recently developed this new skill. Should use it considerably.

But you have been doing this for quite sometime now. Till how long you want to survive and survive.

I cant fight..I cant even survive! Then what should I do??

Be patient Amrit. Your time will also come.

Yeah..keep on saying that. Thats how I learnt the survival skills. Now what I will learn from this?!

…………………………

(For complete conversation, log on to Amrit’s mind…but at your own risk!!)

**Courtesy: Amrit reckless mind !

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